Sunday, February 19, 2006
|A bartender in Wisconsin is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant Viking fans. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more Viking fans arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows."51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more Viking fans show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth Viking fan comes in with a picture under his arm. He walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.|
|Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed children's puzzle of Ragnar, the Vikings Mascot. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the Viking fans, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The fan who brought in the picture pipes in, "'Cuz we've never won a SuperBowl, everyone thinks that Viking fans are dumb-asses and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.|
Olympic...A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand: "Olympic Condoms." Impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon arriving home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?"
"They're in three colors," he replies, "gold, silver, and bronze."
"What color are you planning on wearing tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Why, gold, of course," says the man proudly.
"Really?" she responds. "Why don't you wear the silver tonight? It'd be nice if you came second for a change."
Respect For The Dead...A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Wisconsin near a blacktop highway.
A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim.
Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand. The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.
His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
You Don't Tug...Tom Brady and Brett Favre were standing on the roof of a building drinking a few beers on their break and Brett said, "Hey Tom, did you know that if you jump off this building, after you get down so far, a draft will pull you back inside the building on the third floor?"
"Get outta here," said Tom.
"No I'm serious, watch me."
Brett hopped off the building and sure enough, he was taken in by the draft at the third floor window. He took the elevator back to the top and Tom and a security guard that arrived were standing there, Tom in awe.
"I can't believe it." Said Tom.
"I know you should try it Tom."
So Tom hopped off and plunged into the ground.
"Superman you're an asshole when you're drunk." said the security guard.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
|The Empty Seat|
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
The first man says, 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married ."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, like a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad who do you want to give a Valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know,"Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard."
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
|A burglary was recently committed at Minnesota Viking's main offices and the entire contents of their Super Bowl Trophycase was stolen. The Police Dept. is looking for two men carrying a golden horn and some pieces of purple carpet.|
Monday, November 07, 2005
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and saying to her, "You're next."
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, by golly, I vill go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life, and I vill treat my lovely vife Lena like a lady, and by yingles I promise to give up beer even during the Packer games."
Miraculously, a parking spot appeared. Ole looked up to heaven again and said, "Never mind Lord. I yust found one."
Friday, October 07, 2005
|We just got around to reading our weekly copy of the Medford Star News and thought the rest of you would enjoy this. Packer Paul checks back in and the biggest laugh of all, our Vikqueen friend bids us farewell until the Vikes win the NFC North, we shouldn't see him for 5 years. Heh heheh heh eh...|
There is this Packers fan who is married to a Bears fan.
He loves her with all of his heart, but just can't get past the fact that she is a Bears fan and therefore, kinda slow. He thinks long and hard, and comes to a decision. As much as he loves Green Bay, he loves her more. He decides to become a Bears fan.
After weeks of trying unsuccessfully to root for the Bears, he decides to enlist the aid of a doctor.
"Doc, I want to become a Bears fan, is there any way you can do it?" the man asks.
"Well, it's quite simple, I just have to remove 1/3 of your brain, but it is a very dangerous procedure.
Are you sure you want to do this?" the Doctor asks.
"I have no other choice." the man says.
He wants to have the surgery right away. The doctor begins the procedure. During the operation, his hand slips, and he cuts out too much of the poor Packer fan's brain. While the man is recuperating, the doctor is pacing around his bedside. The man starts to stir.
The doctor rushes over and says "Sir! I am so sorry, during the surgery I mistakenly removed 2/3 of your brain!"
The man looks up at the doctor with a big smile on his face and says, "GO VIKINGS!"
PACKER PAUL - Minneapolis, MN.
Green and Gold for Life!
A Packers fan is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Vikings fan, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Packers fan ignores the Vikings fan who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:
Vikings fan: "You Packers folk eat the whole bread??"
Packers fan (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Vikings fan: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Minnesota, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Wisconsin."
The Vikings fan has a smirk on his face. The Packers fan listens in silence.
The Vikings fan persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
Packers fan: "Of course."
Vikings fan: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In Minnesota we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Wisconsin."
The Packers fan then asks: "Do you have sex in Minnesota?"
Vikings fan: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk
Packers fan: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Vikings fan: "We throw them away, of course."
Packers fan: "We don't. In Wisconsin, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Minnesota."
GO PACK GO! - PACKER PAUL
Saturday, September 03, 2005
|Dear Beer Kid,|
My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns Green and Gold, just like my favorite team, the Packers. But when I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Sincerely, Bitchy in the Badger State.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
|A Minnesota Viking family of football supporters headed out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up a Packer jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Packer fan and I would like this for Christmas". |
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to mother".
|Off goes the little lad with the Packer jersey in hand and finds his mother. "Mom?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Packer fan and I would like this jersey for Christmas". The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!" |
Off he goes with the Packer jersey in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Packer fan and I would like this jersey for Christmas". The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
|About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been a Packer fan for an hour and I already hate you Viking bastards."|
Monday, August 01, 2005
Sunday, July 31, 2005
|After a Beer Festival in Wisconsin, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.|
|Corona's president sits down and says, "Se�or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.|
Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The president from the Blitz Beer Brewery sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Blitz?". The Blitz Beer president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
"Yesterday, scientists revealed that Beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of Beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned."
A Beer's life does not revolve around the football.
Beauty is in the eye of the Beer holder.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink Beer all day.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
|John Elway, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Broncos flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, John," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." John felt special indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner.|
It was a 3-story mansion with a Green and Gold sidewalk, a 50-foot-tall flagpole with an enormous Packers logo flag, and in every window, a Cheesehead. John looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 2 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."
God said, "So what do you want to know, John?" "Well, why does Brett Favre get a better house than me?" God chuckled, and said "John, that's not Brett Favre's house, that one's mine."
Thanks to Beerscout's Dad for sending us this one...
|Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"|
Thursday, May 19, 2005
|One day three football fans got into heaven, a Buccs fan, a Vikings fan and a Packers fan (don't ask how the Viking fan got in). When you get into heaven there are 2 rules. First is respect God, second is don't step on the pink clouds. |
So one day the Packers fan is walking along and sees the Buccs fan with a super ugly girl, he asks what happened and the Buccs fan replies, "I stepped on a pink cloud and now I am stuck with her, and she is ugly even by Tampa Bay standards".
Wow, the Green Bay fan thinks, I must be very careful not to step on one of the pink clouds!
Later that day he sees the Vikings fan with a girl, and asks him what happened and before the Vikings fan can reply the girl blurts out "I stepped on a pink cloud."
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
|There is this guy from Green Bay (Packers fan) driving to Chicago and this guy from Chicago (Bears fan) driving to Green Bay. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying in different directions. The Packer fan manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage he looks at his twisted car and says "man I am lucky to be alive". Likewise the Bears fan scrambles out of his car and looks at the wreckage and he too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck". |
|The Bear fan walks over to the Packer fan and says "Hey man I think this is a sign from god that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of rivals". The Packer fan thinks for a moment and says "you know your absolutely right we should be friends lets see what else survived this wreck". So the Packer fan pops his trunk and finds a bottle full of Jack Daniels. He says to the Bear fan "I think this is another sign from god that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship".|
|The Bear fan says "your damn right" he takes the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Bear fan hands it back to the Packer fan and says "your turn". The Packer fan twists the cap back on the bottle and says "nah I think I will wait for the cops to show up".|
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Friday, April 01, 2005
The winning design for the Minnesota quarter was submitted by Sven Petersen and Ole Johanson of Hibbing, Minnesota. Sven commented, "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
A real WI Quarter as compared to the newly recalled MN Quarter.
Monday, February 28, 2005
|To those in North Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, and for that matter the rest of the country, I must report the sad news that Ole was SHOT. He was up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees, when some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him. According to the news reports, using a loudspeaker, they shouted to him "Who are you and what are you doing?" |
Ole shouted back, "OLE........BIN LOGGIN'!"
Ole is survived by his wife Lena and good friend Lars.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
A: No Title.
Q: What separates the one good team from the bad teams in the NFC Central?
A: The Wisconsin border.
Three Bear fans and three Packer fans are traveling by train to Champaign for the Monday Night Football game. At the station, the three Bear fans each buy tickets and watch as the three Packer fans buy only a single ticket between them.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Bear fan. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Packer fan. They all board the train. The Bear fans take their respective seats, but all three Packer fans cram into a rest-room and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest-room door And says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on. The Bear fans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
After the Packers defeated the Bears, the Bear fans decide to copy the Packer fans (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (not wanting to be out-done by a bunch of green and gold idiots). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the Packer fans don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Bear fan. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Packer fan.
When they board the train, the three Bear fans cram into a rest-room and the three Packer fans cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Packer fans leaves his rest-room and walks over to the rest-room where the Bear fans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears who are on drugs in bars in Billings."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate".
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
|Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a date rape drug called "beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available nearly everywhere. "Beer" is used by female predators to persuade hapless male victims to go home with them. Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "beers" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex, a simple approach that renders most men helpless. After several "beers," men will have sex with even unattractive women. Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened. Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship." In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once "beer" is administered.|
Forward this warning to every male you know. And if you, or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured: male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "Golf Courses."
Sunday, January 09, 2005
|Custody Battle Ruling: A seven year old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama this morning when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt.|
Monday, December 20, 2004
|A Chicago Bear fan, a Minnesota Viking fan and a Green Bay Packer fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime, they were sentenced to death! However, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."|
The Bears fan was first in line (he drank the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Bears fan had to be carried away crying like a baby.
The Viking fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through, sending the Viking fan out crying like a little girl.
|The Packer fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate). The Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world. Your city and fans are the greatest. For this, you may have two wishes!" Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Packer fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."|
"Not only are you an honorable man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?", the Sheik asks.
"Tie the Viking fan to my back."
Friday, November 12, 2004
A helpless man, wearing a Vikings jersey was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot Muskie. As the Pope watched horrified, a speedboat came by with three men wearing Green Bay Packer jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the Muskies' side. the other two reached out and pulled the blue, semiconscious Viking fan from the water. Then using their long clubs, the three beat the huge Muskie to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some bitter hatreds between the Packers and the Vikings, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buds, "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," one replied. "He's in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about fishing for Muskies !! Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
|Beer Kid, Beer Scout, and Butch walk into a bar and the barman offers them a challenge, "If you can sit in my basement for a whole day I'll give you free beer for a year."|
So Beer Kid says, "Easy. I can do that." But he walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there."
So Beer Scout goes next and tries his luck, but he can't take more than 10 minutes.
Finally Butch goes in and comes out a day later.
The others ask him how he did it. He said, "Easy. I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner! Now give me the first of my free beers."
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
|Did you hear that the Post Office has recalled all the Viking commemorative stamps?|
Word has it that people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Monday, July 05, 2004
|Did you hear that the Packers are trying to acquire Vikings Randy Moss?|
Knowing that they already have a Davenport and a Couch, the Packers wanted to add a Lazy-Boy to the collection.
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
|Two Referees were sitting on bar stools having a drink or two after the game. The older Referee starts to insult the younger one. He screams "I slept with your mother!"|
The bar room goes quiet and everyone looks towards the two Referees, waiting with baited breath to see how the young Ref will react.
The older Referee screams again. "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
The younger Ref says:
"Go home Dad, you're drunk".
Have you heard about the new law they've just passed. Referees have to be buried 10 feet down!
Because deep down they are nice people!
Sunday, April 18, 2004
|Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.|
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster!
Packers lost, got laid though.
Saturday, April 17, 2004
|They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were "OH SHIT!"|
Only the state of Wisconsin was different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!".
|John Madden was in Chicago to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special telephone near the Bears' bench. He asked a nearby player what it was used for and was told it was a hotline to God. John asked if he could use it. The player told him, "Sure, but it will cost you $100.00." John scratched his head, then thought, what the heck. I could use some help picking games. He pulled out his wallet and paid the $100.00. John's picks were perfect that week. |
|The next week, John was in San Francisco when he noticed that same kind of phone on the Forty Niners' bench. He asked what the telephone was for and was told "It's a hotline to God, if you want to use it, it will cost you $500.00." Recalling last weekend, John pulled out his wallet and made the call. John's picks were perfect again that week!|
The next weekend John was in Green Bay at Lambeau Field when he Noticed the same kind of phone by the Packers' bench. He asked Brett Favre, "Is that the hotline to God?" Brett said, "yes but it will cost you 35 cents". John looked incredulously at Brett and said, '"wait a second, I just paid $100.00 in Chicago and $500.00 in Texas to use the Same phone to God!". "Why does Green Bay only charge 35 cents"?
Brett looked at John and replied, "In Green Bay, it's a local call."
Thursday, April 01, 2004
One year, neither the Packers nor the Vikings made the post season playoffs. It seemed so unusual that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams, because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a week-long ice fishing competition. The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.
So on a cold northern Wisconsin lake they began their contest.
The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Packers had caught 100 fish and the Vikings had 0.
At the end of the second day the Packers had caught 200 fish and the Vikings 0.
That evening the Vikings coach got his team together and said,"I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place." So the next morning he dressed one of his players in green and gold and sent him over to the Packer's camp to act as a spy.
At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach. The coach asked "Well, how about it, are they cheating?"
"They sure are!" the player reported. "They're cutting holes in the ice."
Sunday, March 28, 2004
...If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by.
...If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation.
...If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.
...If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy".
...If your town has an equal number of bars and churches.
...Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
...You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
...You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
...You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, with-out flinching.
...You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
...If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March.
...If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time.
...If you have either a pet or a child named "Brett".
...If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy.
...If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there.
...If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a dancing bear, and you sing gently, "From the land of sky-blue waters".
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
...You think of the major food groups as beer, fish and venison.
...You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
...Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
...You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
...Your whole family wears Packer Green to church on Sunday.
...A "brat" is something you eat.
...You refer to the Packers as "We."
Friday, March 19, 2004
|The Referee had accidentally collided with a Packers football player, fallen and injured his knee. On his way back from the Head Trainer's Room after the game, he met the Packer player from the game.|
"You all right ref? You don't look so good. Bad news from the doc?"
"Yes it is. He says I can't Referee."
"Oh. Seen you in action has he . . .?"
|Following a game where he had to send off two players from each side, the Referee decides to make a quick getaway after the game, and speeds off in his car. In his haste, he overturns his car on the first bend, and is thrown out through his windshield. |
A few moments later, one of the players arrives in his car and goes to the aid of the Referee who looks in a bad way. The player whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator: "The Referee is dead! What can I do?".
The operator, in a calm and soothing voice says: "Just take it easy, I can help. First, let's make sure the Referee is dead."
There's a short silence, followed by a kind of choking, throttling sound... and finally a loud gurgled scream. The player's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, so now what do I do?".
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
|- Calling "heads or tails" but never getting any... "head" or "tail".|
- Official rule books not made in Braille.
- Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last remaining fan.
- I'm the one that everybody wants to kill, so where's MY helmet and pads?!
|A Referee went to heaven. On arriving at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked him if he had done anything wrong in his life. |
He replied that he was Refereeing a game between the Packers and the Bears at Lambeau Field. With just a few minutes to go, and with the Bears up 14-10, he gave a penalty to the Packers in front of their own End Zone. 'But', he said, 'it wasn't really a penalty'.
St. Peter said to him, 'when was this?'.
The Referee looked down at his watch and said 'about 35 seconds ago'.
Thursday, March 11, 2004
|There were three football fans walking towards the Football Hall of Fame when all of a sudden one of them noticed a leg sticking out of the bushes. They moved closer and and noticed that it was a dead naked woman. |
Out of respect for the woman the Bears fan took off his cap and set it on her right breast. Then out of respect to the woman the Packers fan took off his hat and set it on her left breast. Last but not least the Vikings fan took off his hat and set it on her crotch.
Shortly after that the police showed up and the sheriff started his inspection. He picked up the Bears cap and put it back down and jotted down a few notes. Then he looked under the Packers cap and put it back down and jotted down a few notes. Then the sheriff looked under the Vikings cap and put it back down. Then he picked it back up again and put it back down. And he did it again.
The Vikings fan got upset and asked the sheriff why he kept looking under his cap? The sheriff said "I can't help it, every time I see a Vikings cap I'm... I'm just used to seeing an asshole underneath it."
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
|A Green Bay fan use to amuse himself by scaring every Bears fan he saw strutting down the street in the blue and orange colors. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, and swerve back just missing them.|
One day, while driving along. He saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, and he pulled over.
He asked the priest, Where are you going Father? I'm going to give mass at St. Joseph's church, about 5 miles down the road, replied the priest. No problem Father, climb in and I'll give you a lift.
The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a Bears fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time.
Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, but didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Bears fan.
That's OK, replied the priest, I got him with the door.
Vince Capone in "The Night Chicago Died".
Monday, March 01, 2004
|A Houston Texan, some guy from Illinois, and a Packer Fan are riding horses out on the range. The Texan, just to show off, pulls an expensive bottle of whiskey out of his saddlebag, takes a couple drinks, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it in mid-air. The guy from Illinois is shocked and asks, "What are you doing? That's a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Texan replies, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap!" |
Sent in to us by Leon... and Da' Bears Still Suck!
Sunday, February 29, 2004
|An old farmer named Brett had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, football field, etc. |
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening Brett decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
|Brett replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. "I only came down here to feed the alligator."|
Check out Buccaneer Jon as the Pack-O-Dile Hunter.
|Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill.|
Saturday, February 21, 2004
Thanks to all who emailed!
|It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.|
The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my Daddy is a postman."
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."
Then one little boy says: "My name is Johnny and my Father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
He blushed and said, "No, I'm sorry I said that. My Dad plays football for the Vikings and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
There is a Mama lion, a Daddy lion & a Baby lion. The mama lion & the daddy lion were having a lot of fights so they decided to get a divorce. The lion family goes in front of a Judge to decide custody of the baby lion.
The Judge asks the baby lion "Do you wanna live with mama lion?"
The baby lion answers "No, mama lion beats me."
Then the Judge said "Alright, do you wanna live with daddy lion?"
The baby lion answers "No, daddy lion beats me worse."
The Judge asks "Do you know who you wanna live with then?"
The baby lion answers "No...".
The Judge then says "O.K. I'll place you in the custody of The Detroit Lions, they don't beat anybody."
Be sure to check out the Palace Pinups for more images of Sheena.
Thursday, February 19, 2004
|A Packer fan, a Viking fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together in a train traveling through Switzerland when the train enters a tunnel and the car goes completely dark. There's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel, Pamela Anderson and the Packer fan are sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Viking fan is holding his slapped face. |
The Viking fan is thinking, "That Packer fan must have kissed Pamela Anderson and she swung at him and missed, slapping me instead." Pamela Anderson is thinking, "That Viking fan must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed the Packer, and got slapped for it." And the Packer fan is thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Vikings fan again."
|The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."|
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
Check out Vince and Jeri on the V-Rod.
| God said, "Ah, yes."|
"Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
|The Minnesota Vikings have a new line of cologne. It's a little different though; you wear it and the other guy scores.|
Q: How do the Vikings count their Superbowl Trophies?
A: 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4
Lord Of The Ringless.
|Q: Why are the Vikings the color purple?|
A: Because if you'd been choking for
Q: What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
A: Four Viking Fans watching a football game.
|Definition of an optimist: A Minnesota Viking fan waiting at the Airport for the Vikings to return from winning the Super Bowl.|
Q: Why do the Vikings eat their cereal from a plate?
A: Because they lost all four of their bowls.
Monday, February 16, 2004
Thanks to Statfox for this "priceless" picture and everyone
else for emailing it to us.
|A quick 6-0 start out of the gate. |
Losing 5 of the next 6 games and dropping to 7-5.
Continuing the freefall finishing 9-7 after blowing a 17-6 lead over the lowly Arizona Cardinals and losing the division to your arch rivals the Green Bay Packers and missing the playoffs.
Picture supplied by another Packer Palace Fanatic...
|One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. |
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?
I replied, "It depends, what does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Green Bay Packers..."
|Two boys are skating in a park in Chicago when suddenly a rottweiler starts attacking one of the boys. The other boy takes a stick and puts it in the collar of the dog and twists it and breaks the dogs neck saving the boy. A nearby reporter sees this and starts writing in his notebook, "Local Cubs Fan Saves Boy From Vicious Attack". |
The boy says I am not a Cubs fan. Oh the reporter says, starts writing again, "Local Bears Fan Saves Boy From Vicious Attack". The boy says I am not a Bears fan either. The reporter asks well who do you cheer for? The boys replies it's the Green Bay Packers. The reporter starts writing his headline again, "Little Bastard From Wisconsin Kills Family Pet".
Captain Vincent Kilgore in Chi-pocalypse Now!
Sunday, February 15, 2004
|A Bears fan, a Vikings Fan, and a Packers fan are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.|
|The Bears fan says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Illinois. "With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Illinois was forever made fertile for farming.|
The Viking fan was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Minnesota, so that no infidels, Bears Fans or Packer Fans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Minnesota.
The Packer fan asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the state; nothing can get in or out." The Packer fan says, "Fill it up with water."
The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall and 220 pounds and I'm a Viking fan. The guy sitting next to him then said I'm 6'2" tall, 240 pounds and I'm a Viking fan too, and then the guy sitting next to him shouted out, I'm 6'5", 280 pounds and I'm a Viking fan, too. Now, do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The Packer fan says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."
Friday, February 06, 2004
|The Season's over... So on with the Viking humor:|
Q. What do you call 53 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The MINNESOTA VIKINGS
--- and ---
Q. What do the MINNESOTA VIKINGS and opossums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road
Click here for actual visible proof of that Magic Moment.