Friday, September 18, 2009

Brett Favre Funnies... 


Picked up from several places usings Google's Image Search function...

BeerKid
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Kabobo
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Halverson
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Sad but true... Have a good one BeerKid.

PACKER PAUL - Minneapolis, MN.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Remember... 

Remember, it's not just an online adventure...

It's Your JOB!!!

Friday, April 03, 2009

BeerKid Walks Into A Bar... 

BeerKid walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."
____________________________________________________________

BeerKid walks into a bar with jumper cables wrapped around his neck and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Okay, but don't start anything."

Thursday, March 12, 2009

After Spending All Sunday... 


After spending all Sunday watching football, BeerKid fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair.

Come Monday morning, his Mom woke him up. "Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to 7"

He awoke with a start and said, "In the Packer's favor?"



OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

Sunday, March 01, 2009

A Packers Football Coach... 


A Packers football coach was asked his secret of evaluating his new recruits. "Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that run round the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run straight into the trees, I trade to the Vikings."



Last year, the old Detroit Lions club-seat manager wouldn't stand for any nonsense. One Sunday he caught a couple of fans climbing over the stadium wall. He was furious. He grabbed them by the collars and said, "Now you just get back in there and watch the game till it finishes."



Q:  What do you get when you cross a defensive lineman with a prostitute?
A:  A quarter-ton pickup.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

You're A Great Football Fan... If 

 
  • You've worn the same shirt on Sundays for seven years.
  • You have a tattoo of your team logo.
  • You met your wife when she was selling hotdogs at the stadium.
  • Your wife saw your marriage proposal on the stadium scoreboard.
  • You said your wedding vows while watching a football game out of the corner of your eye.
  • You did the end zone hustle at your wedding reception.
  • Your wedding colors were the same as your team colors.
  • You've offered to post bail for a football player.
  • You dream of having sex at half-time... in the stadium.
  • You have had sex at half-time... in the stadium.
  • You keep a football playbook in the bathroom.
  • Your definition of "getting lucky" is seats on the fifty-yard line.
  • Your other definition of "getting lucky" is finding a football ticket in your wife's jeans.
  • In preparation for a romantic evening you put on a football helmet and ask your wife to wear a cheerleader outfit.

A Packers football fan and his wife were talking...

    Wife: You love the Packers more than me.

    Fan: You're absolutely right dear, but I DO love you more than any other football team.

*** Innocently taken from various emails and various websites from... purely for your entertainment, of course. ***

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Dangers Of Heavy Drinking In Minnesota...  





*** Originally emailed in to Packer Palace after making the rounds by Packer Paul, our thanks, and somehow originally posted by DV during the commandeered 1000th post celebration extravaganza. Archiving and post-party cleanup work by me... as always.  BK

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

How To Wash A Sweatshirt... 


One day, a housework challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Soon after he stepped into the Laundry Room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine for my sweatshirt?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt??"

He yelled back, "Go Vikings!!"

She replied, "Use hot water, a box of Tide, and four cups of bleach!"

Friday, October 24, 2008

What Do You... 

Q:  What do you call a beautiful girl in Detroit?
A:  A tourist.

Q:  What's the difference between a Vikqueen fan and a puppy?
A:  Sooner or later the puppy grows up and quits whining!

Q:  Why do geese fly upside-down over Soldier Field?
A:  Because it ain't worth pooping on!

Q:  What does Tom Brady and the Circus have in common?
A:  They both have two more rings then Brett Favre.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

4 Old Retired Guys... 

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Naples, Florida. They turned a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What"ll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ordered a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis... shaken, not stirred, and says, "That"ll be 10 cents each, please." The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other... They can"t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, & order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That"s 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they have spent less than a dollar. Finally, one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Boston," the bartender said, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $125 million & decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime wine, liquor, beer, it"s all the same."

"Wow!!!! That"s quite a story," says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn"t help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn"t have drinks in front of them, and hadn"t ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks & asks the bartender, "What"s with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, they're all old retired farts from Wisconsin. They"re waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price."

*** Thanks to Paul via Kelly for todays joke of the day at Packer Palace.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Now For Some Humor... 


The Green Bay Packers announced this morning that quarterback Brett Favre will go on injured reserve and miss the remainder of the season to undergo major surgery on his right throwing elbow. The team says the procedure will likely end his career and stop the media circus centered around his comeback bid from retirement.

The Packers also disclosed this morning that Favre's elbow is not actually injured.
__________________________________

Why is Brett Favre afraid of Lions?

Oh. That's right. He's not.
__________________________________

There's a guy in the Minnesota who needs a new car so he went to a car dealership and said, "I need a new car." Then the dealerman said, "We have such a new car that if you say what kind of music you want it comes on." The dealerman said, "Would you like to take it for a spin? The guy said, sure." So he took it for a ride he said, "Rock" it came on. Then he said, "Country" it came on. Then at a red light some Packer Fans came speeding by and then the guy said, "You stupid idiots." Then the Vikings game came on!
__________________________________

Four guys climb Mount Rainier in Washington to show their devotion to their favorite teams... One guy devoted to the Giants, one guy a fan of the local Seahawk team, one for the Packers and one for the Vikings. So they all make to the top of Rainier so the Giants fan says, "For the Giants Super Bowl Champions" and jumps off. The Seahawks fan not hesitating, screams "For the 'Hawks!" and jumps off.

The Vikings Fan says "For the Vikings" and pushes the Packers fan off. (alternate ending alert!) ...and tries to push the Packers fan off, who reverse holds him and casts him down the rocky mountainside where laying bloody and broken, his feeble pleas for help answered only by Sasquatch, who determinedly pulls and tugs and finally plops the Viking fans's head off. Hungry to claim his prize, Bigfoot instead exclaims "What? No brains?" Thanks the Packers fan for his effort and quickly strides away into the night.
__________________________________

Q. Why was head coach Brad Childress upset when the Vikings playbook was stolen?

A. Because T-Jack hadn't finished coloring in it.
__________________________________

A Chicago Bears football fan was almost killed in a tragic horse accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Thank God the manager of the K-Mart came out and unplugged it.
__________________________________

Favre's original WR tandom was Jesus and Moses
__________________________________

What would Vince Lombardi say if he was alive right now?

"Help! Help! Get me out of this coffin!"
__________________________________

Why Do the Packers have natural grass in their field? Its for their cheerleaders to graze on.
__________________________________

Quoth Lombardi...

   I am the Fred Astaire of karate.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

You're A Drunk When... 

  • The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

  • Your old job was interfering with your drinking.

  • Your doctor can find traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

  • Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

  • You can focus better with one eye closed.

  • The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

  • Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

  • Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

  • You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Hunting... with Flyswatter... 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," He responded.

"Oh, killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

How To Impress A Man... 


How To Impress A Woman...


Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.


How To Impress A Man...

Arrive naked ... with beer.

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Questions... And Answers. 


Q: Why is the Metrodome always covered in copies of the local newspapers?
A: Because every year the Vikings look good on paper.

Q: How does Brett Favre change a light bulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and John Madden along with every single Packer fan everywhere helps the World revolve around him.


Work Virus...


There is a dangerous virus going around. It is called WORK. If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else, via e-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT! This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order the antidote known as BEER. Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life.


** There's more bad humor in the Packer Palace Joke Archives, you can find Page 1 here & Page 2 there.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Anything You Want... 


One late Sunday morning in December, a man came back in from shoveling snow and was greeted by his wife dressed in very sexy lingerie and heels.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, he tied her up and sat down with his favorite beer to watch uninterrupted, the Green Bay Packers football game on TV.


Dumb-Ass & Dumb-Asser...


A Vikings fan and a Bears fan are walking along the road when the Vikings fan sees something shiny, so he stops and picks up what turns out to be a mirror. He looks in it and says to his surprise, 'Hey, I know that guy!'

The Bears fan takes it away and says while gazing into it, 'Of course you do you dumb-ass, it's me'.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Time For A Vacation... 

BeerKid finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life - until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But... but... that's impossible," stutters BeerKid. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." BeerKid is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As BeerKid looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, BeerKid goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow- ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "what next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines' strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. I know you've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing! "You mean...", he swallows excitedly, "We can watch the Packers game from here?


Most of the thanks goes to Lee for forwarding this joke in to us. Some of the names have been changed to protect the innocent, although that's no longer me. Be Pack 4 Life!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Smarter Than The Average Cheesehead... 

Green Bay, WI -- A study released today by the University of Wisconsin-Stout's Department of Sports Psychology shows that the foam "cheesehead" hats, worn most notably by Green Bay Packer fans are "not primarily, as previously thought, an ensign of team loyalty but rather an affordable form of head insulation."

Among the study's findings are that cheesehead wearers are 33% less likely to be treated for frostbite of the ears and 66% less likely to suffer from "steaming head syndrome."

As a result of the studies findings, the management of the Packers are considering making cheeseheads mandatory headwear for all games games held at Lambeau Field in December and beyond.

Above joke ripped off from The Spoof.Com

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Peyton, Tom and Brett... 

God asks Peyton Manning first: 'What do you believe?' Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, 'I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans.'

God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Tom Brady and says, 'What do you believe?' Tom says, 'I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields.'

God is greatly moved by Tom's sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Brett Favre: 'And you, Brett, what do you believe?'

Brett replies, 'I believe you're in my seat.'

Golf on Christmas Morning...

Four former Green Bay Packers players were playing their weekly game of golf, when one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the links.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says " Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I whispered in my wife's ear and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' and she said, 'take a sweater'."

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Cold Day In Hell... 

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20 pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Michigan.

The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity.

At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Michigan.

At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind.

At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, instead the man was singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton.

When the devil asked him why he was so happy, the man answered, "Cold day in hell - the Lions must have won the Super Bowl!"

Post Game Party... 

After the big Super Bowl party, Doug figured he better spend some quality time with his wife.

He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed.

"Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."

"How about foreplay?" his wife replies.

"What's the foreplay?" says Doug.

"You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two minute warning."

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Bears Playoff Tickets... 

A man goes to the Chicago Bear ticket office and inquires about purchasing play-off tickets. The ticket teller replies that there weren't any tickets for sale because the Bears did not make it to the play-offs.

The following day the same man goes to the Chicago Bear ticket office and inquires about purchasing Bear play-off tickets. The ticket teller politely replies that there weren't any tickets for sale because the Bears did not make it to the play-offs.

This goes on for an entire week. The man goes to the Bear ticket office inquiring about play-off tickets and the teller says none are for sale because the Bears did not make it to the play-offs.

Another week of this goes by and the man still is asking the ticket teller about Bear play-off tickets. Finally the ticket teller in a loud voice says, I'VE TOLD YOU FOR THE LAST 2 WEEKS THERE WERE NOT ANY TICKETS AVAILABLE BECAUSE THE THE BEARS DID NOT MAKE THE PLAY-OFFS.

The man replied, "I know." I drive all the way from Green Bay just to hear you say that!

Retrieved from a forum post by Packfan4 over at Packers News Talk Football forums.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Wisconsin Temperature Conversion Chart... 


60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats. Wisconsin people sunbathe.

50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. Wisconsin people plant gardens.

40 above - Italian cars won't start. Wisconsin people drive with the windows down.

32 above - Distilled water freezes. Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.

20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably. Wisconsin people have the last cookout before it gets cold.

15 above - New York landlords finally turn on the heat. Wisconsin people throw on a sweatshirt.

 0 - Californians fly away to Mexico. Wisconsin people lick a flagpole.

20 below - People in Miami cease to exist. Wisconsin people get out their winter coats.

40 below - Hollywood disintegrates. Wisconsin's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica. Wisconsin's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

80 below - Mt. St. Helen's freezes. Wisconsin people rent some videos.

100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Wisconsin people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products. Wisconsin cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

460 below - ALL atomic motion stops. Wisconsin people start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

500 below - Hell freezes over. The Minnesota Vikings finally win the Super Bowl.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Chicago Police Report... 


Chicago police reported that some individual attempted to "egg" Head Coach Lovie Smith's house last night.

The Chicago Police Report stated:
    An empty egg carton was recovered at the scene. Two eggs hit Mr. Smith's house, 3 eggs went over his house and hit his neighbor's back door, 2 eggs hit the houses of each of his next-door neighbors, and the remaining 3 eggs were found broken on the ground near the carton from where the individual threw them. Looking at what was hit, police officials say they are considering former starting QB Rex Grossman as the primary suspect.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Don't Drink The Water... 


In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists from the upper midwest have demonstrated that if you drink 1 liter of Minnesota Water each day, at the end of the year you would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, you would be consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, you do not run that risk when drinking Wisconsin Beer (or Rum, Whiskey, Wine or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Minnesota Water = Poop
Wisconsin Beer = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink Wisconsin Beer and talk stupid, than to drink Minnesota Water and be full of shit.

Be Pack 4 Life!


* There's no need to thank us for this valuable information; we're doing it as a public service for all of you Packers fans everywhere.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

At The Beach... 

BeerKid was walking along the beach early one morning with a bit of a sore head when he tripped over something in the sand. Reaching down, he picked up a lamp and starting rubbing it. There was a huge crack of thunder, an awesome amount of smoke, and lo and behold, a genie appeared.

"Mornin' Lad," said the genie. "For releasing me from two thousand years of bondage, I'll be grantin' ya three wishes."

"Isn't this grand there, eh," said BeerKid. "Can I have a pint of Chimay Blue?"

"Sure of course ye can," said the genie. And poof! a pint appeared in BeerKid's hand. BeerKid starting sipping away at the pint. "Oh for Criminy's sake, this has to be the best pint I've ever been tasting."

"Of course it is," said the genie. "I'm a genie after all, and I do know a bit about tasty pints. Now, let's get on with business. You've got two more wishes left, and I haven't got all day!"

"Now just be holdin' on der," said BeerKid. "I want to enjoy me pint."

"Ah," said the genie. "That's a magic pint."

"And what do ye be meanin' by that, eh?" asked BeerKid.

"Well," said the genie, "as soon as it's done, it'll fill right back up again just as good as the first."

"Is that so," said BeerKid, finishing off the pint. Sure enough, back up it came, and when he tasted it, it really was every bit as good as the first one.

"Now," said the genie, "about those other two wishes?"

"Ah," said BeerKid, "Well I'll have two more o' these!"

Sunday, May 06, 2007

The QB And The Ref... 


It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.

How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."

The official just stared.

The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.

The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"

The Coach And The QB... 

At one point during a football game, the Eagles coach said to starting QB, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The QB nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

Again, the QB nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a penalty flag is thrown, or you miss an open WR, you don't argue or curse or attack other members of our team. Do you understand all that?"

"Yes", his QB responded.

"Good," said the coach, "now Donovan, go over there and explain it to your mother."

Heaven vs. Hell... 


St. Peter and Satan were having an huge argument one day about football.

To settle things once and for all, Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked team from his realm.

"Very well," said St. Peter, the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you do realize, I hope, that we've got all the best players and coaches up here."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the Ref's down here."

Flogging A Dead Horse... 

Q: How many Vikings does it take to win a Superbowl?
A: No one knows, and we may never find out!

Q: Where do you go in MN in case of a tornado?
A: To the Metrodome - they'll never have a touchdown there.

Q: What's the difference between the MN Vikings and the Taliban?
A: The Taliban has a running game.

Q: Do you know why the Minnesota Vikings play in a dome?
A: Because God doesn't want to watch them play either.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

History Of St. Patrick's Day...  


St Patrick's Day is celebrated on March 17th in commemoration of that historical figure's act of driving the Norwegians out of Ireland. It seems that centuries ago, many Norwegians came to Ireland to escape the bitterness of the Norwegian winters. Ireland was having a famine at the time and food was very scarce. The Norwegians were eating almost all the fish caught in the sea, leaving the Irish with nothing but potatoes.

St Patrick, taking things into his own hands, decided the Norwegians had to go. Secretly he organized the IRATRION (Irish Republic Army to Rid Ireland of Norwegians). Irish members of IRATRION sabotaged all the power plants in hopes the fish the Norwegians kept in refrigerators would spoil, forcing the Norwegians to a colder climate where their fish would keep. The fish spoiled, all right, but the Norwegians, as everyone knows, thrive on spoiled fish.

Faced with failure, the Irish sneaked into the Norwegians fish storage caves in the dead of night and sprinkled the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegian intruders. But, miraculously, the Norwegians thrived on this new concoction and dubbed the smelly lye-soaked fish "Lutefisk".

Matters became even worse for the Irishmen when the Norwegians started taking over the Irish potato crop and making lefse. Poor St. Patrick was at his wits end, and finally on March 17th, he blew his top and told the Norwegians to go to Hell. And it worked. All the Norwegians left Ireland and moved to Minnesota.


Friday, March 09, 2007

Can I Play Too... 

Friday, February 23, 2007

Some Rex Jokes... 


Researchers at the University of California say that a chemical in male sweat sexually arouses females. Finally, some good news for Chicago Bear QB Rex Grossman.

How cold is it? It is so cold in the Midwest that Chicagoans are shaking like Rex Grossman watching Super Bowl XLI clips.

Maytag recalled 2.3 million dish washing machines. Now the Maytag repairman isn't the loneliest guy on earth, Chicago Bears QB Rex Grossman is.

The Indianapolis Colts defeated the Chicago Bears 29-17 in a brutal game for Bear quarterback, Rex Grossman. How bad was it? At the end of the day, Kevin Federline's commercial had a higher quarterback rating than Grossman.

The Indianapolis Colts defeated the Chicago Bears 29-17 in a brutal game for Bear quarterback, Rex Grossman. Grossman dropped so many balls he was named an honorary Chicago Cub.

Monday, February 19, 2007

A Packers Joke... 


A Packers fan was driving down a country road when he came upon Detroit Lions, Chicago Bears and Minnesota Vikings football players hitchiking on the edge of the road. He told the players to jump in the back of his pick-up truck. He then drove down the dirt road rather fast and lost control of the truck as they were going around a curve, sending the truck into a lake.

The Packers fan scrambled to the surface and swam to the bank. When he looked back at the lake, the three football players were still sitting in the bed of the truck looking frantic. As the truck began sinking the Packers fan yelled for the Lions, Bears and Vikings players to get out truck.

To which they replied, "We're tryin' to get out, but we can't get the dang tailgate open!"

A Vikqueen Joke...


A man walks into a store and says, "I would like a purple hat, purple pants, a yellow sweater, and some white shoes."

The clerk says, "Are you a Vikings fan?"

"Yes," replies the man, "How did you guess, by the color combination?"

"No," answers the clerk, "because this is a hardware store."

Some Bears Jokes...


Q:  How do Bears Fans practice safe sex?
A:  They get rid of all the animals that kick.
___________________________

Q:  Why do Bears Fans like smart women?
A:  Opposites attract.
___________________________

Yo Chicago Bears lovin' Mama's so dumb, she brung a spoon to SUPER BOWL XLI

The Feeling's Mutual... 




Chicago Public School Class Picture



And One Last Joke...



Mark was complaining to an ex-teammate about his first trip to the Super Bowl and how hard it was to get any sleep the night before the big game. "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a drunk cheerleader banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.

"That's terrible," said his ex-teammate. "How'd you ever get any sleep?"

"At five a.m. I finally unlocked the door and let her out," replied Mark.

Sunday, December 31, 2006

News Years Eve... 


Did you hear that Dick Clark has asked the Vikqueens WR Troy Williamson to attend this years festivities in Times Square?

Apparently, they need help from someone experienced in "dropping the ball"!

Jonny C - In Rochester MN

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Chicago Bears Fans...  


Q: What would you do if you saw a Chicago Bears fan walking towards you with a bleeding wound?
A: Stop laughing, reload and shoot again!
___________________________

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and a Chicago Bears fan?
A: Bill Clinton can score.
___________________________

Q: What do Chicago Bears fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.
___________________________

Q: What do you call a Chicago Bears fan with an IQ of 10?
A: Supremely gifted!
___________________________

Q: What's the difference between a Chicago Bears fan and a broken clock?
A: Even a broken clock is right twice a day!
___________________________

One day 2 Chicago Bears fans were doing a crossword puzzle.
Da' first Bears Fan turns to Da' second Bears Fan and says "Old McDonald had one of these?"
"Hey, I know" says Da' second Bears Fan, "It's got to be a farm".
"How do you spell that?" asks Da' first Bears Fan.
"E-I-E-I-O" says Da' second Bears Fan.
___________________________

Two Chicago Bears fans are flying with a farmers herd of sheep to a new farm.
Suddenly, the plane engine fails and it rapidly descends towards the ground.
Bears Fan 1: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!
Bears Fan 2: What about the sheep?
Bears Fan 1: Fuck the sheep!
Bears Fan 2: ...(pause)... Do you think we have time?

___________________________

Q: Why do Chicago Bears players keep their Wonderlic results on their dash boards?
A: So they can park in the handicap spaces.
___________________________

Q: How do Chicago Bears players spend the first week of training camp?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights

Saturday, December 23, 2006

The Rabbit And The Bear... 

There is a Chicago Bear chasing a Packer Rabbit through the forest and they`re running and running and they stop because a genie appears.  The genie says " if you two stop fighting and chasing each other i`ll give you each three wishes".  They agree.

The Chicago Bear wishes first for the biggest "package" of all the Chicago Bears in the whole forest.  And His wish comes true.  The Packer Rabbit then wishes for an unlimited supply of carrots.  His wish is granted too.  The Chicago Bear`s second wish is that all the Chicago Bears in the forest, except him, are female.  Then the Packer Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle.  The Chicago Bear`s last wish is that all the Chicago Bears fall madly in love with him. 

The Packer Rabbit`s final wish is that the Chicago Bear becomes gay, and the Packer Rabbit jumps on his motorcycle and rides away.

Chicago Bears Fans...



Q: How do you wake-up a Chicago Bears fan who has been drinking?
A: Slam the toilet seat on his head. (repeatedly)


Q: How do you get a Chicago Bears Fan off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.


Q: What's the difference between the Chicago Bears Offense and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "I'm a bit worried - can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Of course," replies the doctor, "Where do you think Chicago Bears fans come from?"

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Vintage SuperBowl Cartoons... 




Packers vs. Chiefs SB I
Jan 1967

Packers vs. Chiefs SB I
Jan 1967


Packer vs. Raiders SB II
Jan. 1968

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Overheard In Training Camps This Week... 

  • Our offensive line was so good that even our backs couldn't get through it.

  • Football is a game of inches, and that's how some teams move the ball.

  • As John Madden says, "If you see a defensive line with a lot of dirt on their backs, they've had a bad day."

  • Our linebacker is so strong he can pitch horseshoes while they're still on the horse.

  • We play in a dome stadium. We always prefer to kick with the air-conditioning at our backs.

  • Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.

  • The coach says his favorite play is the one where one of our players pitches the ball back to the official after he has scored a touchdown.

  • Pro linemen are so huge that it takes just four of them to make a dozen.

  • Our players have a lot on the ball. Unfortunately, it's never their hands.

  • We were in a really tough game. Our quarterback started praying, and we heard a distant voice say, "Please don't include me in this."

  • The place kicker missed his attempt at a field goal. He was so angry, he went to kick himself and missed again.

  • They call it their nickel defense, because that's what it's worth.

  • I knew that he was on steroids. His I.Q. and neck size were the same number.

  • Old quarterbacks never die. They just pass away.

  • We have so many players on the disabled list the team bus can park in a handicapped space.

  • This team employs their famous "Doughnut Defense" the one with the big hole in the middle.

  • This year I can assure you that we are going to move the ball. I just hope that it's forward.

  • The only way they can gain yardage is to run their game films backward.

  • Husband: "Hey, Marie, do you have anything you want to say before the football season starts?"

  • He retired due to illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of his coaching.


Thanks to Jokes N Jokes for smiles...

Sunday, July 16, 2006

You're from Wisconsin if... 


 The town you grew up in had a bar called Ma's Place.

You know how to polka, but never tried it sober.

FFA was the most popular club in high school.

You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means.

You know it's traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the ceremony and the reception.

You were delighted to get a miniature snow shovel for your 3rd birthday.

You buy Christmas presents at Fleet Farm.

You are a connoisseur of cheese curds and find anyone unfamiliar With them to be frighteningly foreign.

You spent more on beer than you did on food at your wedding.

You hear someone use the word "oof-dah" and you don't immediately break into uncontrollable laughter.

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

You or someone you know was a "Dairy Princess" at a county fair or A Miss Action in Jackson.

You know that "Combine" is a noun.

You know what a FIB is.

You know that a pastie is not an article of clothing.

You know that creek rhymes with pick.

Your class took a field trip to a brewery... in second grade, Borden's In third grade and the cheese factory in fourth grade.

Football schedules are checked before wedding dates are set.

You can visit Luxemburg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark, Berlin, and Poland all in one afternoon.

A Friday night date is taking your girlfriend shining for deer.

Saturday you all go to the local bowing alley.

There was at least one kid in your class who had to help milk cows in the morining.

You have driven your car on a lake.

You can make sense out of the word "upnort" and "batree."

The Packers will always be better than the Vikings, no matter what the standings are.

You know that De Pere is not a wooden structure extending into "DaLake."

You can leave your ice cream in the car while you go into Fleet Farm, and it won't melt.

You always believed that vacation meant "going up North."

You have more fishing poles than teeth.

At every wedding you have been to you have had to dance the hokey poky & the chicken dance.

You know what a bubbler is.

Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.

The local gas station sells live bait

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

You laugh out loud every time you see a news report about a blizzard shutting down the entire east coast.

Your mom asks, "Were you born in a barn?" and you know exactly what she means.

You include beer as one of the major food groups. Isn't it??

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

Your sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.

You are a member of the Polar Bear Club and proud of it.

You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday.

You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike.

Your bank has the name of your town included in its name.

Pop is not only what you call your dad, but it is the ONLY name for soda.

Thanks to Gwyn for forwarding in todays light humor, I'm not sure who to credit for all these, seeming that some look made up and some look stolen from Jeff Foxworthy.  But none-the-less, thanks Gwyn, or I should say mahalo, shouldn't I.

BeerKid - Still Pack 4 Life!

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Beerflies... 

A Beautiful Young Woman, BeerScout and BeerKid are in a bar when a fly lands in each of their beers.

The Beautiful Young Woman, disgusted, pushes the beer away and demands a new one. 

BeerScout, picks the fly out and keeps drinking. 

BeerKid grabs the fly, sqeezes it, and shouts, "Spit it all back out you little bastard!"

Friday, May 19, 2006

Height Chart... 



Thanks to AChilWil for forwarding this gem into us.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

The Balls Of Sports... 

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

A Pro Football Coach... 


A pro football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over all his players and said, "I'm not supposed to let you guys know this in advance, but because we have the lowest wonderlic average score in the league, some Reporter is going to try to surprise one of you and ask you a simple math question today.  So we're going to practice first before going out there and that way no one gets his question wrong.

So the coach turned towards one his star players and said, "Okay, so what's 2 + 2?"

The star player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

Saturday, April 01, 2006

These Two Strangers... 

are having a drink at a bar. The one orders a beer and drinks it down rightaway and then sighs with pleasure. He immediately walks over to the window jumps out and floats to the ground. A minute later he walks back in and sits down next to the stranger.

The stranger can't believe what he just saw and asks for an explanation.

The other man explains that when ever he drinks this certain kind of beer it makes him feel so good he feels like floating.

The stranger has heard enough and orders the same beer and drinks it right down goes over to the window and jumps out, splatt!!!

The bartender looks over at the guy left at the bar and says, "Superman sometimes you're such an ass".

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Football Wedding... 

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Why Beer Is Better Than Women... 

    
  • Your Beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play ball.
  • You don't have to wine and dine a Beer.
  • A Beer won't get upset if you come home and have another Beer.
  • You can enjoy a Beer all month long.
  • Beer stains wash out.
  • A Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another Beer.
  • A Beer never has a headache.
  • When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a Beer.
  • A Beer will never nag you.
  • If you pour a Beer right, you'll always get good head.
  • A Beer will always goes down easy.
  • You always know if you're the first one to pop a Beer.
  • You can share a Beer with your friends.
  • A Beer never cares what time you come home.
  • A frigid Beer is a good Beer!

  • The Beer Prayer...




    Our Lager, Which Art In Barrels,
    Hallowed Be Thy Drink,
    Thy Will Be Drunk, I Will Be Drunk,
    At Home As I Am In The Tavern.
    Give Us This Day, Our Foamy Head,
    And Forgive Us Our Spillages,
    As We Forgive Those, Who Spill Against Us,
    And Lead Us Not To Incarceration,
    But Deliver Us From Hangovers,
    For Thine Is The Beer,
    The Bitter And The Lager,
    Forever And Ever,
    Barmen.

    Two Married Guys...


    Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

    His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!'

    ...and she's always sound asleep.

    Thursday, February 23, 2006

    Deer Hunting With Dick... 

    A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.  That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

    "Where's Dick?"

    "Dick had a stroke of some kind.  He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

    "You left Dick laying out there and carried the deer back!?"

    "A tough call," nodded the hunter "but I figured that no one is going to steal Dick."

    Cheney's Got A Gun
    by
    Bang Cartoon.

    Monday, February 20, 2006

    Billy the Packer Fan... 

    In a school just outside Minneapolis, a first grade teacher explained to her class that she is a Vikings Fan.  She asked her students to raise their hands if they are Vikings fans too.  Not really knowing what a Vikings fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands all fly into the air.  However, there is one exception.  A little boy named Billy has not gone along with the crowd.

    The teacher asks him why he has decided to be different.  "Because I am not a Vikings fan." says Billy.  "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"  Billy says "I am a proud Green Bay Packers fan!"

    The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.  She asks Billy why he is a Packers fan.  "Well, my Mom and Dad are Packers fans so I'm a Packers fan, too," Billy responds.

    The teacher is now angry.  "That's no reason," she says loudly.  "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot?

    Billy smiled and said, "Then I'd be a Vikings Fan."

    Claven's Buffalo Theory on Beer


    The "Claven Theory" offers the best proof that beer actually does make you smarter...  "One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm, and here's how it went:  Well ya see, Norm, it's like this...  A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.  And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

    In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.  But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.  In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
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